[FIC] Anko/Shisui: Never Let Me Go

[nisacharakj]

Title: Never Let Me Go
Author: nisacharakj
Type and Genre: Het/Friendship/Romance
Rating: G
Characters: Uchiha Shisui, Mitarashi Anko
Summary: Shisui lets Anko in on his deepest, darkest secrets in ways that neither of them can understand.
Warnings: --
A/N: Written for mali-sani

Looking up from underneath
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under

It’s in those moments between work and exhaustion that Shisui feels it the most: that gnawing at the core of his being, a throbbing ache that seems to grow and grow and grow and spread like a cancer, convoluting everything in its path and twisting and turning and... And he feels nauseous. Perhaps it’s from the lack of food (he doesn’t recall the last time he ate), or perhaps it’s just from the exhaustion of stretching himself thin. He’s about ready to break, but his own resilience surprises him. That he’s alive at all, here to fix things… he shouldn’t even be here.

The guilt is always fresh and new and always overwhelming and his ribs almost crush at the pressure of the drowned out screams.

It never gets old…

He’s gaunt, the edges of his jaw better defined than ever. His eyes seem to be sitting a lot further in his skull than he could remember. And the lines on his face-- they aren’t as long as Itachi’s, but they’ve grown deeper and more defined. If he filled out some, if his cheeks weren’t as hollow as they were now, perhaps the delineation wouldn’t appear so stark. It still surprised him that he could muster enough stamina to last for days on end with nothing but a couple of soldier pills to go on. His blade hasn’t dulled and neither has the impact of his blows. They still waved the title of Uchiha’s strongest, of Konoha’s Shunshin no Shisui, and he let them do whatever. …If it made them happy, then who was he to deny?

But it’s in those moments when he’s fighting not to give in to exhaustion that the guilt and the fear and the burden begins to seem all too heavy to bear all alone. His shoulders slump and he lets go of the bandage he’d been fiddling with.

It rolls about a half foot in front of him, opening up and laying out bare.

That’s when he feels her weight on the futon and Shisui sucks in a deep breath.

And it's peaceful in the deep
Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under

It’s welcome, this smell of her, this lingering presence that reminds him why he’s still here. Because he no longer fought for his own salvation; it was no longer merely a life of atonement. Yet somehow… Somehow it felt that much more selfish because he wanted to keep living. Even if not for himself, for her…

The thoughts are about to consume him again and he’s desperate for some sort of reassurance that this was worth living for.

She’s about to speak (and maybe she is) but he turns abruptly and catches the sides of her face in his hands. They’re calloused fingers but they’re still capable of featherlight touches.

He’s shaking. Trembling in his grasp: everything that is locked away on the inside threatening to spill prematurely.

It scares her some-- this intensity. It hurts even to meet his eyes. And it’s with a sense of trepidation that she draws in a breath, shaky and mirroring his. She knows what’s coming but she’s never truly prepared for when it happens...

...Because when his lips touched hers it feels like the tide crashing against the rocks, like the wind tearing through the trees. It feels like a fire that grew and grew and grew and burst into a smouldering heat, a flame that consumed both of them and spat out embers and pieces of them. Unrecognizable. No end to him and no beginning to her. It feels like drowning. It feels like he’s pulling her under.

It’s gentle and rough at the same time it’s jagged and raw and piercingly loud. It’s feral and ugly and it reminds her of when he bursts into a murder of crows, cawing, shrieking, fluttering masses that tore apart from each other, helter skelter and dropping feathers that took their time landing on the soft earth.

And it pisses her off some because it comes out in a burst of fragmented emotion, all of it rushing out all at once, and nothing ever really making coherent sense. It’s a feeling, but it’s nothing definite. And it’s overwhelming and it’s everything that’s he’s been keeping from her. This martyr complex of his that was killing him slowly.

When he kisses her again, it’s hard to get her bearings straight. She’s giddy but not necessarily in the good way.

And she knows that he’s trying. In his own way, Shisui was trying. But it was too much all at once and she’s swallowing emotion and choking on it.

And it's breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go...

Anko is about to murmur something, break the intense silence between them. She’s even ready to push him away.

...But Shisui beats her to it and pulls back before she can do anything. It leaves her gasping, panting for air, for a sense of balance. He’s left her reeling and asking more questions than the last time.

And it hurts. It hurts to see him pull away, hand covering his mouth like he’s done something terrible. It hurts to see him physically draw a barrier between them when he turns to sit facing the other way.

And there is nothing said between them for a long minute. The silence—it’s stifling.

And she’s hurting. For him.

Anko watches in silence as he draws into him once more, shoulders slumping like he was carrying the weight of the world on them.

“Sorry….” A mumbled apology.

She’s about to say something along the lines of No, it’s okay, but he’s already gone.

“I have to finish a report. See you in a bit.”

And then there’s that smile he sends her over his shoulder just before he walks himself out the door – a tiny, sad smile that was just barely there.

She’s not sure how she’s supposed to feel about that, because she missed the way he smiled with his eyes and the way the light danced in them.

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
And the crashes are heaven for a sinner like me...

It seems so long since she’s seen him smile that way. It felt...

...It felt a lot like he moved further away after each time he did this.