Stay Reckless.

Chapter 4 - Like a Flash of Lightning

She stared down at his pale form standing only a few meters below her. A smug smile broke over her otherwise stony features. She had liked his answer: "You bet."

She knew it meant nothing. He was only toying with her. In fact, if he meant anything at all, then he meant the exact opposite.

He wasn't jealous. No way in hell was he jealous. He just wanted an excuse to kill him, to kill Shikamaru.

He wanted to take him away from her. He wanted to hurt her. He wanted her to fear him. He wanted her to hate him.

And hate him she will. With all her heart. With every ounce of her being. With every drop of her soul. She will hate him.

She hated him already. He didn't have to remind her. She hated him the day she laid eyes on him.

But just now he had given her a legitimate purpose. Just now he had actually threatened her. Just now he had given her motive: Shikamaru.

She grinned. She really liked his answer.

The moon reflected evilly in her green eyes. They stared down at him from above like those of a cat quietly observing its prey.

The game was on.

She was not going to let him lay even a finger on the only man outside her family that she cared about. Her Shikamaru.

He would have laughed if he could have heard what she just said. She could picture the quizzical expression on his face. He would have told her she was being scary again.

But right now, she didn't care. She didn't care what Shikamaru would think. All she knew was that right now, the only thing that mattered was to keep the demon away from him. She was going to make sure that he, Hidan, would not even dare do such a thing as even think of stepping on Shikamaru's shadow.

Temari's train of thought came to a screeching halt at the realization of what had just crossed her mind. Did I just say 'step on Shikamaru's shadow'? She giggled. Really, she had absolutely no reason to worry about the bastard stepping on Shikamaru's shadow! He was a Nara after all: a master of shadows.

The brief moment of diversion found herself carrying her thoughts into a detailed image of what the shadow nin might do if Hidan had been caught in his shadow. Perhaps they could work together again, just like the old days. They'd be a team, and finish the bastard off.

Instead of having him move around, she could have him positioned still – restrained and motionless, against his will. He would curse loudly, angry at her for bringing the Nara into it. It would piss him off no end.

She thought about it. Sharing such a moment with the Nara boy started to seem like a good idea after all. And Hidan would hate it. Yes, she liked the idea.

And then she would slice the life out of him. She would use his own weapon too, that big red lumbering scythe. She would tear through his flesh, slowly, ever so slowly, sinking the blades deeper and deeper. The scythe could probably even saw through bone. Could it?

She licked her lips. To saw through his bones? How long would it take just to cut through the humerus? What sound would it make? Yes, she would strive to make them neat cuts. No jagged ends if she could help it. And it had to be slow. Yes, she loved the idea.

Hungry eyes skimmed over the torso of the object of her loathing standing just a few yards away from her. The nerves in her hand twitched excitedly, her fingers flicking to curl, and then quickly flexing out again. Yes, she knew exactly where to start. She would take away those hands of his first, those despicable, unholy hands that existed to serve no other purpose than to snuff the life out of others, as if they were lighted candles, waiting to be blown away.

And once she was done with his hands, Temari thought, she would go for his tongue. She'd slit the ends of his mouth all the way up to his cheeks, and then push her hand in and grab hold of that vile tongue of his that could speak so callously about the things he had done. She'd cut it out and shove it down his throat.

What next? Ah yes. Temari smiled. Next she would carve out his chest and rip out his stone heart. She stopped herself just then and almost laughed. Did he even have one? No matter. Might as well find out then.

She imagined herself prying into his open chest, hand tightly wrapping around his heart. She could see herself twisting it apart from the vessels that connected to it. Blood gushed out from the spaces between her fingers and down her arm with every rupture. She saw herself twisting and twisting, until the organ broke free, numb and weakly beating.

Then she would slowly tear him up until there was nothing left of him but ribbons of matted flesh, muscle, and entrails.

She imagined herself smiling at Shikamaru. "Look, Nara, he can't hurt you now."

Still looking at the scene through her mind's eye, Temari sees his violet eyes staring up at her, mocking, dancing with mirth. She slashes them.

They won't haunt her any more.

Temari steps back and looks at the mess in front of her. Those violet eyes were still looking up at her. She shudders (just a little).

Reality hits her.

What… what was I thinking?

For a moment, she finds herself appalled at her own thoughts.

Hidan was staring at her intently, scythe standing firmly in the sand in front of him, hands folded and resting his chin over the top of the staff.

She noticed him.

He was watching her, reading her. His expression did not waver as he observed the changes in her features while she engrossed herself in her imagination. He was just… intrigued.

She looked so damn dangerous tonight. Hell, even her eyes glowed. There was something appealing about that.

A cheeky grin played on his lips.

Temari flinched and wrapped her cloak tighter around her. The air dropped a few degrees the moment their eyes met. She shivered a little. The wind visibly blew harder.

He, on the other hand, still stood there shirtless and unfazed. How could he stand there, without as much as even flinching, in this biting cold? His intent and smug demeanor made her nervous… but only just a little.

She wasn't going to let him make her any more nervous. She needed to break the unspoken contact.

"Did you come here just to stare at me all night long?"

The effect was immediate. Hidan mentally shook himself from his trance. "Heh," he chuckled. Furrowing his eyebrows, he added: "Oi. Don't flatter yourself."

Temari rolled her eyes. "Then why did you come?"

"I told you," he shrugged, retracting his chin so that he was standing back with his arms folded atop the staff of his scythe. "It's because you wanted to see me."

"Tch."

"Seriously."

She only kept silent as a response, frowning at him, trying to guess his ulterior motives.

Hidan laughed as he caught her looking intently at him. "What?"

There was a pause. He grinned. "Who knows, maybe I like you."

"Stop joking around! I know you're here because Akatsuki sent you."

"Heh… Maybe. Maybe not."

"Akatsuki has no business in Sunagakure."

"Yeah, because you pathetic Suna nins don't have a Jinchuuriki anymore." He flashed her a dangerous smile as he pronounced the word 'Jinchuuriki'. She balled her fists.

"But you crossed the border yesterday… at the festival."

"So?"

"So…?"

"So I'm surprised you guys didn't call an all out attack or something on me yet."

Temari blushed. She hadn't reported the presence of the Akatsuki member to anyone. It was, after all, part of her duty to report anything suspicious, and she had purposely refrained from mentioning the encounter. She gritted her teeth realizing that he now had enough reason to believe that she had, in fact, been waiting to see him again.

Why did she need to see him anyway? Why did she want to punish herself? What the hell could she do? The bastard was immortal for god's sake, so it was not like she could actually make a difference.

She cursed all the gods of every religion she could think of for creating such a demon. She cursed them twice for having let their paths cross. She couldn't get rid of him, and he kept coming back. And she wanted him to just keep coming back.

But why? It was a question she had asked herself countless times before. She had tried to wrap her mind around it. She really did try. But it was always the same.

Because I hate him, she told herself. Yet that reason wasn't good enough. It didn't explain the longing, the expectation, the need. Hate was not something like that. Hate was something people tried to push away, not embrace, if they had the choice.

It was always the same. She had no answer.

"Why… did you come…?" she thought out aloud, enough for him to hear.

"Huh, it sounds almost as if you want me to leave," he said in a tone of mock dejection.

Yes! Leave, you bastard! Leave! And never come back!

But of course, that little voice in the depths of her mind called out: No, don't go. Stay here. Stay here where I can see you, keep an eye on you, watch you. Stay, you bastard. Stay…

Somewhere in the distance a flashlight flickered. The border patrol nins were changing shifts. Faraway voices echoed over the desert. The gates were opening for workers to cross over to the oasis in Tori country to resume work on the water pipes that fed Sunagakure.

Hidan made a slight sound in his throat and brought his left hand down to his side from his scythe.

"Guess that's my cue, eh?"

He pulled out the massive weapon from the ground. It dislodged its blades from the sand with such a force that a thick cloud of sand momentarily hung in front of him, temporarily concealing her view of him.

Temari stood rooted to her spot.

He's leaving me again…

He slung the scythe over his shoulder and bent to pick up his neglected cloak still lying at his feet. It was grimy, and stuck to the folds of the fabric in some sort of a bundle. He gave it a rough shake.

Stay…

He waved the cloak at her briskly. "Oi!"

Her ears perked up.

"I'll get here a little early tomorrow..."

She froze.

Violet eyes glinted dangerously in the moonlight.

"But I guess you knew that already."

Temari watched as he turned and walked into the shadows.

Go!

Stay!

Leave!

Stop!

Just keep on walking.

Wait!

"Wait." She croaked.

He stopped.

Why?

He tilted his head a little to look at her from over his shoulder.

She caught a glimpse of his face for a moment.

Just a moment.

Then he turned back to where he was headed and simply disappeared into the darkness.

From that distance, she could hardly tell herself, but Temari swore she saw the hint of a smile on his lips.

Why…?

Hey Nara,

Just checking to see if you got back home already. Not that you're going to read this or anything, since you're already on a mission.

-Temari

She tapped her pen on the desk, trying to think of anything else to add to the letter. Something nice, perhaps? Like… Like…?

Like what?

Like a 'missing you already'…?

Temari thought for a long moment before shaking her head and giving up on the idea. Nope. Won't do. They weren't quite 'there' yet…

She sealed the envelope and went out to find the nearest mail box. She had originally thought of sending it through express mail, but... It's not like it'll take more than a day to get it through to Konoha, she thought, almost knocking over an old lady on the way to the post office.

She didn't even bother to stop and help. Tch I don't have the time!

She dropped the letter into the red box. A dull thud told her it had hit the top of the pile of packages inside.

Standing there, she felt strange.

The moment she heard the envelope fall into the box, a new sense of realization set in. Her entire relationship with the shadow user had changed. She had, probably, taken it one step further.

It was her first personal letter to him.

Truthfully, however, it was nothing more than just a note – the type of thing you'd write out on a sticky note and past on the fridge.

Still, it was the first time she had written to him about something entirely unrelated to public relations or diplomacy.

Her hand rested on the top of the mailbox, her thumb unconsciously swinging the metal flap. It creaked.

What would he think?

Why was she doing this?

Did she really have to worry?

Should she dig it back out of the box?

Would a simple note make such a big difference?

Why did she care?

Why do I think too much?!

With a parting creak, she let go of the mailbox and turned to go.

The old lady she had toppled over was now nowhere in sight. Good, she thought. It was not surprising, really. Cranky old women did not hang around to exact apologies from Sabaku no Temari.

They took it out on Kankuro instead.

She looked up. The sky was reddening again.

Temari clenched her fists.

"I'll get here a little early tomorrow..."

"Damn right you will," she muttered to herself.

She found herself drifting off back to the image she had drawn in her mind the previous night.

She saw his broken body, lying in front of her, dismembered into a thousand pieces, unrecognizable.

Would that even be possible? Would that… really kill him?

Violet eyes stared back at her.

Temari stopped.

She looked back in the direction of the mailbox. Be careful, Nara.

Turning back, she saw him, only just a few paces away, hands on scythe, torso bared; there in the middle of the freezing desert, looking up at her.

Looking only at her.

Her heart stopped for a fraction of a second before it started to beat faster. She unconsciously found herself taking longer strides.

I will wait for you...

Her footsteps become lighter.

Wait for me!

She broke into a run.

"I won't forgive you if you don't!" she yelled. Bystanders looked at her, confused, amused, quizzical.

What? Forgive? Since when did he deserve any kind of forgiveness?

He didn't.

But she said it anyway.

 

x.X.x.X.x

"But seriously, I'm a little disappointed," he told her that night. True to his word, he arrived an entire half hour earlier.

"Why would you be?"

"You've found a new hobby."

She cocked her head to a side, frowning. "Excuse me?"

"Y'know, the pineapple head," he replied, cocking his head to a side as well, as if mocking her.

Temari only frowned a little more.

"And here I thought I was the only one allowed to take up all your time." His eyes danced playfully as they swallowed in her expression.

"I'm surprised, really," he continued a while later.

"About what?"

"About you guys. You and that fifteen year old Konoha brat." He chuckled. "Seriously, I didn't think you were the type who was into younger men."

"Tch!"

"I guess that seriously lowers my chances, heh."

Temari felt her cheeks get warmer. He was getting beyond annoying. An eyebrow twitching, she stated: "What the hell makes you think that? From the very beginning, you never so much as even had a chance."

He laughed.

There was no moon that night, but she could see him clearly; as clearly as one can see a pebble at the bottom of a still pond.

The wind was strong, but she could still hear him clearly, as clear as a bell in the still air.

His laughter wasn't the same hysterical, evil, mocking laugh.

Just now, he was laughing as if what she had said had triggered the recollection of a happy memory.

He was honestly laughing…

In those rare moments that played before her, his face bore no hint of sarcasm.

Temari could only stand and wonder.

Had she said something awkward?

His laughter faded into an irregular series of soft chuckles.

She waited for him to say something.

"No shit! From the very beginning huh?" He was still recovering from his bout of amusement. "Like you even needed to tell me that. Hell you even tried to freaking set me on fire!"

The flares, she remembered.

It was the first time she had stolen a proper glance at him.

She found herself smiling despite everything.

The very beginning…

x.X.x.X.x

"Aren't you supposed to be reviewing the entries for the Chuunin exams?"

A yellow butterfly evicted itself from a nearby blade of grass. Shikamaru's nose caught a wisp of cigarette smoke. He turned.

"Asuma."

"Hmm."

Asuma sat down on the grass beside his lazy ex-student who happened to be reclining in the fields watching the clouds instead of working on the exam documents.

He exhaled another puff of smoke into the air. It floated in a pattern of swirls.

Shikamaru smiled to himself. "So Kurenai sensei's got other things to do today, huh?" he added slyly.

He could practically feel Asuma turn beet red.

"Eh what?! What's that supposed to mean?"

A chuckle escaped the shadow nin. "There's no point in hiding it you know."

"You kids are supposed to mind your own business and let the adults do theirs," Asuma mumbled, noticeably embarrassed at the fact that his favorite student was in on his little secret.

Shikamaru grinned, turning his gaze back onto the clouds. "Heh."

Asuma sat, quite uncomfortable, for a long moment, blowing clouds of smoke before he said: "So. How was the trip to Sunagakure?"

"Hmm? Just the usual."

"I see."

"Yeah."

"I see."

There was another pause before Asuma repeated himself. "I see."

Shikamaru knew where the conversation was headed. "Okay what?"

"Hmm? I don't know. You tell me."

The shadow nin sighed. Man, Asuma sure wasn't planning on letting the subject drop.

"Okay. Where do you… want me to start?"

Another puff of smoke. "How 'bout you start with why you're so glum?"

Shikamaru uncrossed his hands and crossed them again. "You can tell?"

Asuma only laughed in response.

The Nara sighed. Guess I'm going to have to divulge after all.

"Alright. Alright." He sighed again. Explaining things was hard. Plus, it was embarrassing. "So maybe the 'trip' to Suna didn't really go that well."

"Hmm. 'Maybe'?" Asuma looked at his former student. "She dropped the ball on you?"

"Not really…"

"Right." The jounin tapped the ash from his cigarette. "Something came up?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"And you're not sure anymore."

Shikamaru only stared at the clouds.

"What happened?"

The clouds. They look so free…

"There was this guy at the festival. He was an outsider, I could tell."

Asuma made an amused sound in his throat.

Not a care in the world…

"And they knew each other, I could... tell."

Asuma's cigarette found its way back into his mouth. "What did he say?"

"Nothing. It was just a look. You know."

His sensei smiled.

"And after that she seemed very distracted."

"Is that so?"

"Look, I know it's really stupid. It's not like we're officially dating or anything, I haven't even asked her yet." At this, Asuma raised his eyebrows a notch higher. He opened his mouth to speak, but shut it almost immediately when he saw that Shikamaru still had more to say.

"I usually have all the answers when it comes to other things. And I can always get myself out of a tight corner. But this is just really stupid."

The older man sucked in a deep breath of smoke. "Well," he exhaled. "It looks like you might have finally found yourself a male opponent."

 

x.X.x.X.x
 

"Why do you come?"

"Stop asking me that, I've given you an answer already."

She eyed him suspiciously. "The circumstances were different last time."

"Hah! Last time, I was trying to pray when you fucking threw things at me and didn't leave me alone!"

Even if that just might have been the case then, it didn't seem as if he wanted to be left alone now.

"What's your excuse this time? You don't come here to pray, neither is there any stream to bathe in. Not on this side of the desert at least."

"Let's just say I was in the neighborhood, so I decided to pay a visit," he replied casually, shrugging his broad shoulders.

So he was staying in a neighboring village.

"That answer's not good enough."

"Seriously, what's your problem?"

"Sorry but I need to make sure that your motives for visiting aren't related to threatening my village."

Or anybody else who's close to me, she added silently.

"Jeez woman, I've told you already, we have no interest in your village anymore."

"The Konoha-Suna summit has concluded as well."

"What the hell?! Now you're thinking I've come here to target the Konoha representative?" He threw his hands up in the air. "Jeez! With you, it's always a conspiracy!"

But as soon as he had finished, his eyebrows rose in realization.

Hah! That's right… the Konoha representative. How the fuck did I miss that!

"Heh, what? Think your precious much-younger-than-you pineapple-head Konoha shinobi lover-boy is the reason I'm here?" The situation was too much to suppress a chortle.

She bit her lower lip.

A wry smile crept across his features. "Hmm… it wasn't exactly part of my plan but… I will if you want me to."

Temari's stomach turned at his words.

Don't you dare touch him, you bastard!

He left immediately after, trudging through the deep sand, an irksome grin plastered on his annoying face.

She watched him disappear into the shadows. She stood rooted to her spot until she was absolutely sure he was gone.

Her only consolation was that he had walked in the opposite direction to Konoha.
 

x.X.x.X.x

The next morning, she ran to the front door at the sound of the postman walking up to her mailbox.

There were three envelopes containing information about the upcoming Chuunin exams, an advertisement for a travelling circus, and a book for Kankuro.

There wasn't any letter from Shikamaru.
 

x.X.x.X.x
 

"Why do people do that anyway?"

"What?"

A particular green book nudged him in the thigh once again. "Protect."

She looked at him, confused. What kind of a question is that?

"You know, I never really got that kind of thing? Seriously. It's not like you won't be betrayed in the end. Or the ones you're protecting will just die on you. And then what's the damn use of all that time wasted? It's not like you're going to take them with you in the end. You die alone. Everyone dies alone. So why bother?"

Why bother? He couldn't die, so how would he know? What did he know about losing someone? He existed to kill. His own religion dictated murder. Loss is not something he could feel, or even comprehend.

He was just a monster, non-human.

He was allowed to take everything for granted.

But she didn't have that privilege. She wasn't gifted with immortality. She didn't have all the time in the world.

She was only given a short lifespan, the exact duration of which even she had no idea. Her life could end tomorrow, or the day after, or in two years. She had no way of telling. And that was what made life so dear to her. It was what made the lives of those she loved so dear to her.

"A lifetime was like a flash of lightning in the sky,

Rushing by, like a torrent down a steep mountain."

Where had she read that before?

The very uncertainty of life was what made it so precious. You couldn't depend on time to protect something that precious. Time was the enemy. Time brought things into life and then took them away. Time waited for no one.

But he had all the time in the world, and it wasn't fair. To him, the transient nature of life was an alien concept. And because of that, he had no way of knowing what it meant to cherish the few precious moments that life gave to spend with those you love.

Temari could have told him all this, but she didn't. She only watched him as he waited for her to answer.

He'd never understand, so there was no point in wasting her breath on him. Why bother, she told herself, mocking his statement.

Instead she questioned brusquely: "What, are you trying to convert me?"

"I'm just asking you a question."

He sounded almost disappointed.
 

x.X.x.X.x
 

Temari met the postman at the gate again the next day.

He handed her a poster that listed precautionary measures to be taken against the flu season.

She frowned. Either he was still on that mission, or he was still angry at her. Or…?

No…

She willed her mind to stray from deducing worst case scenarios, but she found herself thinking about them anyway.

He had been asking her too many questions about life and loss. Coincidence? She didn't think so.

He wanted her to think about loss. He wanted her to think about pain. He wanted her to think about impermanence… because he most probably might have taken something away from her already.

And then, when she finally found out, he would laugh in her face.

If that was what it was, then he was beyond cruel.

She scribbled another note to Shikamaru. This time she used a messenger bird to deliver it.
 

x.X.x.X.x
 

He came back that night, like an itch that refused to go away.

"What would you do if you lost everything?"

Everything? Surely this was more than just a threat. Damn you Nara, I hate your silence.

She dwelled on his question for a moment. What would she do if she lost everything? She'd come apart of course. She'd lose her purpose in life. There was no point in living without anything, at least not for her. She had known loss, and she knew it was something she'd rather live without, if given a choice.

If she lost everything, she'd break into a million pieces. And if anybody tried to pick one of those pieces up from the mess, then that piece too would shatter into a million more.

But she wasn't going to tell him that.

Instead she asked: "What would you do if you lost everything?"

He answered promptly, not stopping to think: "Can't lose anything if you don't have anything to lose."

Temari smiled. " 'Having nothing.' Isn't that a Buddhist ideal?" she mused.

He gave her an accusatory look. "And I'm supposed to know that?"

" 'Embrace nothing. If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha. If you meet your father, kill your father. Only live your life as it is, not bound to anything.' Hah! It's almost as if I envy you now."

"And this is important because?" he asked in an indifferent tone. Seriously, where was the fucking point in preaching Buddhism to a Jashin priest?

"I'm just saying. You don't have anything to lose. So that's what makes you immune to things like loss and regret."

He grinned. "If only life was that simple."

"But it isn't," she replied, matter-of-factly.

"Life's a bitch."

"Never said it was easy."

"So why don't you just let them go? Kill them all, like the guy said."

"It's better to hold on to something than to have nothing."

"Is that what keeps you going?"

"Perhaps." She paused, and then added: "I'm not like you."

He let out a short laugh. "That's like fucking obvious."
 

x.X.x.X.x
 

Temari checked her mail again the next morning.

There was a postcard for Kankuro.
 

x.X.x.X.x
 

That night, in Konoha, he re-read the note she had sent him.

It had been sitting on his desk for two days now. He had thought about writing out a reply, but couldn't think of anything to say in it. It was not like she had asked him any question. So, how exactly was he supposed to answer it?

More importantly, why had she sent him a note in the first place? How was this important? What purpose did it satisfy? It sure didn't look like any sort of apology.

It sounded as though she were concerned. Concerned about what?

He furrowed his eyebrows, annoyed. Women were too hard to figure out.

He shook his head and put the letter back on the desk.

I'll think of something soon.

And with that, he went to bed.
 

x.X.x.X.x.X.x.X.x.X.x

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